Friday, June 30, 2017

Confidence is key

As I sit here in my dark grey dress with my black court heels, my hair down and my crystal necklace; in the library, I feel extremely self-conscious. People stare at me for more than just a glance. Flattering? I'm afraid I'm not used to it, so I shy away, I look the other way and I glance back at my laptop, typing furiously. I was working on my dissertation but the urge to write about self-confidence leapt at me and I knew that I had to pen it down before it escaped my vestibule and end up in the pile of broken dreams where all my past imagination lay rotting.

This of course makes me address the basis of self-confidence. I suppose it is easy for some people to receive compliments and to just 'roll with it' as they say, but for someone who does not care about appearance as much and who does not take my self-portrayal as important, I think back to the times when I always preached about how important looking your best is. As a make-up artist myself, I know how important it is to put your best face forward (Get the pun? hahah.. No? Never mind). But one thing I do realise is, that I never really take my own advice although I know how bloody good it is for me.

You know, the problem with self confidence is sometimes, more to do with how comfortable you are with your own self, in your own skin, on your own, it's more about people's perception on you. But, at other times, it's also how comfortable you are, presenting your best self in front of others. Outward confidence is the balance between people's perception towards you and you presenting your best self. Inward confidence is what the usual quote about how you should be confident in your skin, not needing someone else to make you feel complete and etc. comes into play. Because, truth be told, I am comfortable meeting new people bare faced, not worrying about my outfit, but I'm extremely self-conscious when I make an attempt at looking and dressing well when I'm in a situation where I am meeting new people. But this makes me question, if anything, why do I feel this way?

Shouldn't wearing something not have any affect on how I feel? Why do I shy away from the shower of compliments? Why do I feel utterly embarrassed at the thought of flattery? Shouldn't I be happy that people take notice of me and are somewhat even interested in me? But, part of me is telling me, "How hypocritical of them, they only want to get to know me because I look good". But then again, when you choose to pick up a book, shouldn't there be something that stands out to you, like the title or the colour of the cover? If so, then why do I feel so shy and embarrassed in someways annoyed that people have preferences? Especially when it comes to physical appearance?

Nevertheless, it got me thinking on how best to describe putting your best self forward, how to accept compliments and how to always look your best and embrace the fact that you can be the best version of yourself and not feel embarrassed or torn by the fact that you do sometimes feel a certain way.

Fast forward a week later, I sit back at my desk to review my thoughts. See, I guess it's just me wanting to go up to people and shout at them and say that they're beautiful. To have that amazing confidence to just dance on the streets with my headphones on, to just be bold and attempt to make friends, or allow others around me to be brave enough to know me.

I guess the key is that I don't want to let go of people in my life and I want to hold on to as many people in my life because I feel like I don't want to lose them because I cherish them so much no matter what they were to me at any point in my life.

Now, moving forward, I'm definitely putting more effort into trying to dress better, speak to people I wouldn't typically speak to and keeping communication to a minimal with people that I know would just blank you to do their own work, which honestly, as annoying as it is, but they are doing what is better for them and that is what I should do too.

I suppose it's harder for people who think too much but either way, I'm better with my anxiety and depression and as of the 13th of June, my anxiety depression has plummeted from critical; almost life threatening to healthy levels which I am really happy about. It has taken me quite awhile to get to this point in my life but I'm content and am trying to keep it up really. Positivity towards a better anxiety and depression controlled life, you never truly recover from anxiety and depression, you merely have it under control but never get rid of it.

But I suppose the key to confidence is:
1. Fake it to make it.
2. Make an effort.
3. Accept compliments.
4. Present your best self.
5. Shower people with compliments.

These are the few things that you could do to present yourself as a confident person and at the same time allow others to feel confident as well. 

Till my next post. xx

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