I won't say I was a skeptic. On the contrary, I was quite the believer. I guess the one point I pride myself in is my ability to listen to others, although I am quite the chatterbox, yet, I am able to be silent at moments that demands for it.
It's a bit difficult to remain yourself in a world where you're surrounded by people who demand that you change for them. It reminds me of that one song by Skylar Grey- Words. It sometimes literally feels like it's so loud inside your head that the little voice in your head is screaming-screaming to be heard. Conforming. Something that people want you to do.
It reminds me of something I've only read today.
"I don’t think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. Who’s going to love the girl that can’t stop crying? The girl that hurts herself? The girl that is losing control? The girl that is so sad she can’t get out of bed? The girl that keeps pushing everyone away? Who’s going to love the monster in me, who’s going to love me now?"- Anonymous
Okay, here, it's not literally love. It's too petty. Although it does sometimes make the world go round, but that's more to humanity and respect. But let's leave that one out for another post.
You see, here, we have a number of personalities. Ever felt like you've been living in a masquerade ball where everyone just seems to have spun out to be someone that you thought was unlikely to be of someway? Well, to me, I don't think it's impossible to be one way with one person and another with someone else. Fake. Two-faced. Often you hear that when someone says they dislike someone, but they are really nice towards the very person that they've said that they dislike.
But ever thought that the person trusts you enough to actually reveal to you that they dislike someone? I always thought that I would forsake anyone that I disliked. Who gives two hoots about what happens to them? But as you grow, you actually understand that it takes a lot more courage to actually even speak to someone that you dislike. But when you live in a community where almost everyone knows everyone, or, let's even put that aside, if you lived in a place where you're interacting with someone on a some sort frequent basis. You have to act mature, put your differences aside and be nice to them. Even if you're going to heave a sigh or gag after that person has left.
But really, it takes being the bigger person in handling situations. If this were to be me a few years ago, believe me, I would have slapped my current self for even suggesting such an idea. But honestly, you cannot begrudge someone and work with them. It often takes forgiving someone and understanding that even though you wouldn't do it, but what guarantee do you have that you understand the whole story? There are three versions of the story- their story, your story and the truth.
But honestly, it takes a lot to forget, and you really don't have to forget. Because, you take that as a lesson, but never let things get to you- I must admit that I always let things affect me, when really, I know that I'm better than that and I shouldn't let it get to me.
You see, the problem here is not yourself. Often, we care so much about what other people "think" about us. But really, someone told me, "If it's not your family or close friends, then it doesn't matter" - it actually struck a chord, although this person doesn't think that anything that they say actually makes a difference, but I honestly appreciate this person a lot.
You see, often, the people who know nothing about us, are the ones to jump to conclusions and who are first to be the one to give a detailed description of "what they think of us".
These kind of people often belittle us. But great people make you feel like you can achieve great things too, only small people belittle others. A quote from Mark Twain- “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”
Ever felt like moving to a whole new place, like, say, Antarctica? And just being alone, maybe packing in your suitcase a few of your close friends as well and just being happy? Because sometimes, I feel that way. I know how much something someone tells me, even if it's only in passing affects me and I've been trying to change it for awhile and seriously, I feel like this one person really helps me sometimes- two actually. I've been blessed to have such amazing family and friends.
One of my friends said this, "Maybe you've only been looking at all the troubles, which is why you think you're faced with a lot of problems, but look at the little things, they're the things that matter the most- as insignificant as it is".
I'm actually doing that, and truth be told, I actually feel happier when I'm blogging. Being absent from it, really tells me how much of a mess I am. I've also decided that I would actually love to be actively involved in writing for the University's paper.
You know how, you feel like you want to just run away from everything? To be honest, it's because you just want to press the fast forward button and just get past everything. But, just like in the movie, Click- you skip the best parts of your life as well.
Sometimes, we have to all face the fact that running away is not always the way to solve all our problems. We all run away from things sometimes, and it's hard to resist it. But really, I'd say if you've decided to jump off a bridge (not in a literal sense)- then jump, let the cold, brick hard water hit your face, and feel the smashing pain of whatever you've decided upon, then move on, sink to the very depths of it.
At least you then know that it was wrong, it hurts, it bloody hurts, it freaking makes every sinew in you yell out in pain. But if you never do it, you never know, it's just flipping wrong. So, why resist? I know I'm young enough to do whatever the heck I want to do and to resist every single thing, to hold back from doing the wildest things in your dreams is just wrong. Why? Why do you have to think when you've already moved a million miles away from everyone who knows you? It just seems wrong. It just doesn't feel right. If I could, I'd just pack my bags and just leave like I always do. Everyone knows how unpredictable I am- especially when the million text messages and phone calls aren't answered and when I get back to them after awhile.. It's really hard to not do it when you've decided that you want to become a responsible adult, especially when you love the adrenaline rush- the whole spontaneity of the situation.
Being the type of person who books a ticket to London, then rushes to Heathrow for the next flight to Paris, really doesn't make you predictable, especially when you've even booked a place to stay in London but you just follow your whims and desires and go wherever you please. It's hard. Especially when you jump at every travel invitation you have-even if you've been there before.
The way I see it- you either live for it or you die for it. Life doesn't have it's guidebook, it doesn't tell you what's right or wrong other than the ones outlined by society. That's the closest you can get to a guide. But really it's up to you, to follow society, which includes you and I, mind you. Or to break all the rules, doing what you want and feeling happy.
Really, listening to what other people have to say about you, really isn't worth it. Choose your friends wisely. You can have a million friends and still feel empty- take it from me. But, really, it's who you choose to share your every whims and desires that really matter. And really whoever the person is that you choose has to be someone that would value you for who you are. They should appreciate the very soul that you are despite your mood swings, your nonsensical rants, your happiness, your highs, your lows and you-theirs.
Living is hard enough. Sometimes, you just want it all to end. When it's time to move on, it's essential. It's truly just a phase in life. But we often hold on to things. I've learnt so much in the past few weeks about moving on and letting a whole new chapter in your life begin instead of just holding on to something that you don't want to see end. It's hard. But really, life is a continuous process, just like a caterpillar that metamorphosises into a butterfly. You become better, so, why remain a caterpillar when you can become a butterfly?
Sometimes, you've got to stay at one place and resist the temptation to runaway, to create reasons to leave, but just like the person says, they are memories, you're creating memories. You're making a lasting impression on everyone's life. Everyone that you meet, even in passing, makes a difference in your life. It's just the magnitude that is different.
Stop for a moment- ask yourself, what really matters to you? What doesn't? Really, just create a clearer picture for yourself. Note it down, create a whole map even if you have to, just don't give up too soon. Stick to it. Your plans, your whims, your desires- be a rebel, but remain yourself, don't let opinions of useless, thick people get to you and be spontaneous, but remain grounded, have someone who would give you a reality check when you've floated too high up in the clouds.
Till my next post. xx