Monday, December 23, 2013

Different realities.

Do you ever feel like your understanding of life is so much different from everyone else and sometimes it's much simpler being on your own? Do you ever feel like sometimes, life goes on too fast, that you may have a clouded judgement of reality. But, it's your reality, but it's okay, because you like it?

I think it's safe to say that I have not actually met someone who shares the same reality as I do. Of course, when I say reality, people would be like, we're living in the same world, we're going through the same things. But is it? I don't seem to know or understand a lot of things, but that's why I observe. 

Sometimes, I just feel like it's required of me to talk. But, all I'd really like to do is be alone and just go through the world in my mind. I know it's bad and some people would classify that as being an introvert. But is it really?

When did things we do define us? When did everything start making sense to other people as making sense? Does that make sense to you? 

I wish my life was a Norah Jones song, I wish my reality was as cloudy as my judgement of others. I wish my life was a fairy tale,some place where everything is magical and hidden. 

Wishing for too much?

Sometimes, I wonder how it would be to live in a place where I didn't know anyone and continue living in anonymity. I am living away from the place I come from, but I still don't understand the reality of others.

My reality is very much different from yours. My understanding of things will never be the same as yours. I may appear as naive and I may get myself emotionally hurt because of that, but maybe some part of my masochistic self actually likes being emotionally hurt, being detached from everyday life. 

People say, spend more time on your own, get to know yourself. What if you already know yourself too much that you become to complacent and you're happy with being alone. Is it okay to be alone? I think it is. I guess that's why I don't understand why God made us in pairs. 

Maybe I wasn't. It's just a presumption.

So, happiness. What is it? I picture myself in a really old movie with New York as it's setting, Norah Jones' Come Away With Me in the background. Seems like a dream to me. Seems unreal. But my emotions, they're always like that. I guess here's the only place I get to say everything I feel.

Photographs always mean a lot more than it should. I doubt my parents ever know how I feel, and I'd like to keep it that way. I guess it's true. There's this part of me, where everything is dark, yet so clearly drawn out. There's a land in my head where there are fairies and literal unicorns, I guess I still believe in childish things, I guess I still believe in love being pure, I guess I still do believe in humanity.

I guess I've been scarred too much to believe in your reality. I guess I just want things to be like how I imagine it to be in my perfect little bubble. I guess that's the reason why I walk with my head bowed down. I guess that's the explanation I give for feeling disappointed in how not everyone accepts your reality.

Maybe at one point, you actually think that some people understand your reality, but the truth is, no one does, we're all hurting in some way or another, sometimes, some days may just seem to difficult for us to go through, but faking a smile and going through everyday like nothing happened, is somehow a good way in managing to move on.

I think everyday of how low my self esteem is, but it never breaks me, because I'm used to it. I guess it's easier for me to handle things, by just saying, I'm used to it. 

I have this thing in me where I always feel like making other people happy, but when it comes to me, I always feel like the second choice, the last, choice, the last resort, I've loved the wrong person, let the wrong person love me, I don't understand love the same way you do. 

Friendship is love, family is love, relationships are love. Every love is the same but different. It's hard for me to go through everyday, it's especially hard when you don't want to. It's especially hard when the reality is extremely twisted.

I'm probably going to regret posting this. But if not today, when?

It's hard for me when my weakness is used against me. It's hard for me to be misunderstood. It's hard for me not because I need company but it's because I don't need it but I try to maintain a civilized relationship with people but never managing to make myself clear.

It's hard for me to always compromise, always to think about how others would feel but having people never sparing a thought for me. It's hard, but I'm used to it. So, it's not really hard now, but change those words to uncomfortable.

Am I the only one who value friendships, relationships, family and tradition?

Am I the only who gives a damn?

If your reality is the same as mine, then give me a shout.

Out of 7 billion people in this world, I'm sure someone's reality may be similar to mine to some extent.