Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Thoughts

I don't really blog about how I feel. But today, I feel like doing just that. (Let me take out my Fanta Grape from the freezer first and go charge my phone) It froze by the way.

Anyway, moving on. I don't know how I feel to be honest. For a very long time, whenever an emotion other than happiness emerges, I block it. If I have mixed feelings, I block it. It's either I feel only one emotion at once or none at all.

And while I was thinking, I got over it. You see. What I'm trying to say or at least tried to explain was my feelings. But, I guess I've shut it out one too many times that every time it happens, it gets easier and easier for me to shut them out.

People wonder how I can go my whole life ignoring someone, it really is easy for me. I've been doing that my whole life. Why?

Because I'm tired of trying to make people stay when they all want to leave. They say it isn't me, it's them. But no. It's usually because they've found a replacement. Sometimes I wonder, are the people I consider my good friends really my "good" friends or are they just pretending?

I admit, I like having things go my way. I guess because I never thought anything was impossible. Up till this day, I have never thought of something as being too difficult to reach, even though it is and I know it deep down inside. 

Sometimes I stay up all night, thinking. Thinking about conversations I've had during the day, what I've done, the things I've said. How I've changed and what does it really mean to have anything. 

I sometimes wonder if I really like living. I know it's silly. But sometimes I question if there was such a thing as life after death. I've had my fair share of wondering whether God existed and I'm pretty sure He does and He's been nothing but kind towards me. 

Sometimes, I really need someone to talk to, but I really don't have anyone to turn to. I don't usually cry. It's hard for me to cry. Maybe I do cry once in awhile, but after that, I turn stone cold. I literally don't show emotions. Maybe because I have a smile plastered on my face all the time, people think I don't feel emotions. I tried turning to my mother a few times before, but since last week, I promised myself to never turn to her for advice ever again. Mothers are there to protect their children, give them sound advice and provide them with moral support.

Not mine. She's my worst critic and I'm her doormat. I have to listen to everything she has to say about everyone in the family and keep my mouth shut about it. She thinks it's okay to talk about people behind their back. I used to listen to her and think that maybe she was right. But now, I know for sure that she was and IS WRONG. 

I know that it's wrong to say that. But honestly, no one understands half of the things that I go through. I've "lost it" in the midst of Girl Guides' meetings, when I'm walking at the mall, any place imaginable. I don't think anyone actually thinks before speaking and I'm not saying in a "I must be sensitive towards her feelings" kind of a way. I mean a general, humanity kind of good way of speaking. It's like towards anyone, not only me.

I've tried telling some people before, but I guess everyone is more worried about themselves than others, there are some people who actually do listen though. I must give them credit for that and I am blessed to have them in my life. 

I guess another reason why people tend to dislike me is because I have different views than them and I tend to voice my opinion to contribute to the topic. Sometimes I wonder, would it be better to say something or just keep your mouth shut. I really don't know. I don't want to be liked for being "nice" and "going with the flow" and I think I'm nice to people but I'm opinionated. But I guess when you're opinionated, you're viewed as the "bad guy".

Or maybe that's just in Asia. I'm not being biased but I always find my conversations with non -Asian friends more fruitful. I could have a heated debate with them and after it was over, we could still be like "Hey, what's up?" and just move on with our lives.

Honestly though, I want one person, one is more than enough, one person to stay with me through it all. From the day we meet, till the day we die. It's nothing like wanting a relationship or anything like that. It doesn't matter if it was a girl or a guy. But it matters if it is a friend or not. Friends for life. Bff, bffe. We've had this and we write this. We hope our friendships lasts. But does it really? I don't know.

I've always been the person who tries really hard to keep in touch. But I've tried too hard that I can't anymore. I feel so tired. So exhausted. So out of breath. It's like I'm trying to reach out, but every time I do, the person drifts further and further away.

Another thing that bothers me are friends. Friends? I don't really know if they are indeed my friends. It's like I only exist when they need something. If not, I'm invisible or non existent to them. I sometimes wonder, what relationships really mean. I see all my friends getting into countless relationships. They break up, they cry, act all depressed and the next thing you know, they're with someone else.

I actually wonder what relationships really are about? If it is just to be with someone, then isn't being best friends enough for awhile? Then when you're ready, you could get married. I know some people might get me wrong when it comes to this part. So, I shall elaborate further. What I mean is, when you're best friends with someone, you know everything about them, so there isn't a surprise about not knowing about them, so, you've actually known someone really well and you didn't do nonsense and you can always be good friends if you don't think they're the one.

Because I know that some relationships end up really badly and one of the person involved gets hurt more badly than the other. I know all these things and this makes me wonder a lot too. Sometimes, I hear about my friends drinking at clubs or bars and I wonder if they know that it's bad for their liver. Sometimes, I wish they knew that they didn't have to drink to appear "cool". Because to be honest, nothing is cool about a stinky club which smells of puke, alcohol and cigarette smoke.

I wonder so much of things, every time I read a book, I wonder what was the author thinking about. Sometimes, I wonder if rumors were true. Sometimes I wonder if I was never born, what it would be like, but I'm glad I was born.

I'm always so afraid of telling people how I really think and I backspace my words even before it comes out my mouth. I am always afraid of acting like myself because I'm always scared that people would hate me. I think that people always think that I have no worries and that my life is close to perfect. But really? Are the things I have enough to make others happy? Then why am I not? Also, I think I really hurt those that are really dear to me. The people that I love most. Maybe because I take for granted that they will always be there no matter what. Or will they?

I wonder if people actually do read my blog, I wonder if they like it, I wonder who they are, what their stories are, I wonder how old they are, if they've had problems before and how did they handle theirs. I wonder what their parents are like. I wonder if they secretly feel hurt or are they just so full of confidence? 

Sometimes, I really don't understand. I wonder why I tend to over think situations. I think about how I could make people understand things from my point of view. I try and help people that I think should get the help. But I always end up being right and at the same time hurting the other person, but only after they hurt me so much first. Then they find out that I was right all along.

I wonder if I would ever be the head of a hospital like I want to. But most of all, I wonder if I really got to pursue the arts, like I always wanted to. I guess I don't rebel. Even if I do, I just let people step all over me at the end. Sometimes I feel so used. I feel like some people want to get close to my friend who is prettier, fairer, quieter than me. I feel like some people just want me to help do them a favor and then they don't need me. I don't understand why they don't ask me, and use me instead. I would have helped you if you told me from the very beginning, why must you make me feel like crap?

I always wonder if karma really existed. Does it? Because I don't see anyone being served with what they deserve. But I guess God has his own way with dealing with things. I know how really rich and vulgar people suffer so much when they're really old and I wonder if those people I see being mean towards others would suffer the same fate, minus the rich. I wonder how I would look like when I am older. I wonder if I would ever get married or if I would ever meet someone I can stand.

I wonder if I could be close to someone, I wonder if I could keep up this facade for much longer. I wonder if I could ever change to be a person so different that no one would recognise me. I sometimes wonder if everything I'm thinking is really worth it, I wonder if you, me and everyone else are just quarks and leptons in this universe and we've been tricked into thinking that we are much more superior than the others. Sometimes I wonder if Aliens really do exists and if they are indeed smarter than us or are they us, but in the future. Or are aliens really dumb. I really don't know.

What bugs me the most is that I don't have answers to my questions. But I ask them anyway. But I ask myself this. I ask myself if I care enough. I ask myself can I NOT care. I really don't know. Sometimes, little things move me, little things make me so angry, little things makes me confused. That little things start becoming bigger things and sometimes it fills up so much space in my head that I feel like it's about to explode.

Sometimes, I wish I was a C.I.A agent, or a spy, I wish I was an assassin, I wish I owned a football club, I wish I had a pool, I wish I knew celebrities, I sometimes wonder, what is so great about them anyway, because I know that they make good songs and all, but you have to be "discovered" and then you join into this "elite" group. I sometimes wonder about Taylor Swift. About how many people she has dated, if it was her fault or the people she has dated, I do find out about it online, but most of the time, I don't bother because I think to myself that I have nothing to do with it, so, I shouldn't bother. 

Sometimes, I wonder, If I died tomorrow, would anyone miss me. And this makes me cry. Even though I dislike the way my mother treats me, I still cry when I think about how one day she will die and leave me. I sometimes dream about things and that makes me sad, but it's only a dream and I know people would find me silly over analyzing a dream.

I like to think that there is a purpose for everything that happens. But maybe it's because I don't want to feel foolish for everything that has happened to me before. Sometimes I wonder, if I would have answered questions differently, if I would have said something to someone differently, although I know they would never remember what I told them, would it matter? Because I still think about conversations between me and friends from a few years ago and I sometimes feel so embarassed and I can feel my cheek getting hot. I know those things don't matter but I still think about things and how things would be. 

I know I probably shouldn't and I'm trying. I know I shouldn't hate people but once in a while, I do. And once in a while, I hate too much. Once in a while, I wish someone died. I know it's wrong. I do. I really do. But, I can't help it. Sometimes, some people hurt me and they think it's funny. They think it's hilarious. They like it. But, I don't. I don't do that to people and I don't understand why. Sometimes, I have my head bowed down, but I know what's going on around me.

People think I don't realize anything. But, it's when I'm silent that I'm observing. I overhear conversations that I probably shouldn't. I try to question people because somehow, there is always an ulterior motive.

I feel sad. I really feel sad. Sometimes, I get so depressed and that's why I have my period cramps. From over thinking. I've been to a few doctors and all of them has said that I'm stressed. They say that I'm not healthy mentally because I'm stressed. I always think that I'm okay. I think that I don't feel my body giving way, so, I'm fine. I really am trying really hard to fit in. But I don't know how. I cannot agree blindly to what other people say and I guess sometimes, I cannot "shut up" and "mind my own business" when it's really mine to mind.

But I am saying this truthfully when I say, I don't know.

Because I really don't know how I feel, what I want, what I need and all that. I guess that's why I believe in things that I can quantify and I make goals, so that I have something to do. I try to reach all of them. I set a time limit and I make myself strive towards that goal. And it keeps me occupied. Sometimes I wonder, am I really living my life or am I living it based on what other people want me to live it.

I honestly do think a lot. I have a lot of things I want to accomplish but sometimes, I really don't know if I should do as I please or please people. Honestly, I've wondered what it would be like to trade your soul to the devil. I've seen so many movies with that in it. Even ghost rider and japanese animes. So, I really do wonder how people can do that and if it was really true. But honestly, there are some questions I don't want to know the answers to.

But you know what, I really don't want to write anymore, I think it's already so late and I know I'm not working tomorrow, but there are some worksheets that I need to get over with and some preparations I should make and thinking about all these things somehow has made me feel a little bit better in a sense that I feel like I should just go to sleep and not over think every single situation. But I guess I can't. I can't take it when people don't like me. I can't take it when people ignore me, I can't take a lot of things. But I'm learning to be okay.

Not that it isn't okay or I am not okay. I really am okay. But I'm just trying to not accept people back into my life once they've left. Because I don't like feeling used. It's like I am alive to make others happy and not myself. So, I really don't want to do this anymore. I really am not giving a hoot about everyone who has left. I wish you all, all the best in your future undertakings but I sincerely have no intention in ever being associated with any one of you. This applies for those in my kindergarten up till now.

And I also know that I might regret this post soon. So I'm going to post it right now.

Till my next post. Lots of love and apologies and with hope that I may be able to write something and publish my book. xx

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