Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Thoughts

I don't really blog about how I feel. But today, I feel like doing just that. (Let me take out my Fanta Grape from the freezer first and go charge my phone) It froze by the way.

Anyway, moving on. I don't know how I feel to be honest. For a very long time, whenever an emotion other than happiness emerges, I block it. If I have mixed feelings, I block it. It's either I feel only one emotion at once or none at all.

And while I was thinking, I got over it. You see. What I'm trying to say or at least tried to explain was my feelings. But, I guess I've shut it out one too many times that every time it happens, it gets easier and easier for me to shut them out.

People wonder how I can go my whole life ignoring someone, it really is easy for me. I've been doing that my whole life. Why?

Because I'm tired of trying to make people stay when they all want to leave. They say it isn't me, it's them. But no. It's usually because they've found a replacement. Sometimes I wonder, are the people I consider my good friends really my "good" friends or are they just pretending?

I admit, I like having things go my way. I guess because I never thought anything was impossible. Up till this day, I have never thought of something as being too difficult to reach, even though it is and I know it deep down inside. 

Sometimes I stay up all night, thinking. Thinking about conversations I've had during the day, what I've done, the things I've said. How I've changed and what does it really mean to have anything. 

I sometimes wonder if I really like living. I know it's silly. But sometimes I question if there was such a thing as life after death. I've had my fair share of wondering whether God existed and I'm pretty sure He does and He's been nothing but kind towards me. 

Sometimes, I really need someone to talk to, but I really don't have anyone to turn to. I don't usually cry. It's hard for me to cry. Maybe I do cry once in awhile, but after that, I turn stone cold. I literally don't show emotions. Maybe because I have a smile plastered on my face all the time, people think I don't feel emotions. I tried turning to my mother a few times before, but since last week, I promised myself to never turn to her for advice ever again. Mothers are there to protect their children, give them sound advice and provide them with moral support.

Not mine. She's my worst critic and I'm her doormat. I have to listen to everything she has to say about everyone in the family and keep my mouth shut about it. She thinks it's okay to talk about people behind their back. I used to listen to her and think that maybe she was right. But now, I know for sure that she was and IS WRONG. 

I know that it's wrong to say that. But honestly, no one understands half of the things that I go through. I've "lost it" in the midst of Girl Guides' meetings, when I'm walking at the mall, any place imaginable. I don't think anyone actually thinks before speaking and I'm not saying in a "I must be sensitive towards her feelings" kind of a way. I mean a general, humanity kind of good way of speaking. It's like towards anyone, not only me.

I've tried telling some people before, but I guess everyone is more worried about themselves than others, there are some people who actually do listen though. I must give them credit for that and I am blessed to have them in my life. 

I guess another reason why people tend to dislike me is because I have different views than them and I tend to voice my opinion to contribute to the topic. Sometimes I wonder, would it be better to say something or just keep your mouth shut. I really don't know. I don't want to be liked for being "nice" and "going with the flow" and I think I'm nice to people but I'm opinionated. But I guess when you're opinionated, you're viewed as the "bad guy".

Or maybe that's just in Asia. I'm not being biased but I always find my conversations with non -Asian friends more fruitful. I could have a heated debate with them and after it was over, we could still be like "Hey, what's up?" and just move on with our lives.

Honestly though, I want one person, one is more than enough, one person to stay with me through it all. From the day we meet, till the day we die. It's nothing like wanting a relationship or anything like that. It doesn't matter if it was a girl or a guy. But it matters if it is a friend or not. Friends for life. Bff, bffe. We've had this and we write this. We hope our friendships lasts. But does it really? I don't know.

I've always been the person who tries really hard to keep in touch. But I've tried too hard that I can't anymore. I feel so tired. So exhausted. So out of breath. It's like I'm trying to reach out, but every time I do, the person drifts further and further away.

Another thing that bothers me are friends. Friends? I don't really know if they are indeed my friends. It's like I only exist when they need something. If not, I'm invisible or non existent to them. I sometimes wonder, what relationships really mean. I see all my friends getting into countless relationships. They break up, they cry, act all depressed and the next thing you know, they're with someone else.

I actually wonder what relationships really are about? If it is just to be with someone, then isn't being best friends enough for awhile? Then when you're ready, you could get married. I know some people might get me wrong when it comes to this part. So, I shall elaborate further. What I mean is, when you're best friends with someone, you know everything about them, so there isn't a surprise about not knowing about them, so, you've actually known someone really well and you didn't do nonsense and you can always be good friends if you don't think they're the one.

Because I know that some relationships end up really badly and one of the person involved gets hurt more badly than the other. I know all these things and this makes me wonder a lot too. Sometimes, I hear about my friends drinking at clubs or bars and I wonder if they know that it's bad for their liver. Sometimes, I wish they knew that they didn't have to drink to appear "cool". Because to be honest, nothing is cool about a stinky club which smells of puke, alcohol and cigarette smoke.

I wonder so much of things, every time I read a book, I wonder what was the author thinking about. Sometimes, I wonder if rumors were true. Sometimes I wonder if I was never born, what it would be like, but I'm glad I was born.

I'm always so afraid of telling people how I really think and I backspace my words even before it comes out my mouth. I am always afraid of acting like myself because I'm always scared that people would hate me. I think that people always think that I have no worries and that my life is close to perfect. But really? Are the things I have enough to make others happy? Then why am I not? Also, I think I really hurt those that are really dear to me. The people that I love most. Maybe because I take for granted that they will always be there no matter what. Or will they?

I wonder if people actually do read my blog, I wonder if they like it, I wonder who they are, what their stories are, I wonder how old they are, if they've had problems before and how did they handle theirs. I wonder what their parents are like. I wonder if they secretly feel hurt or are they just so full of confidence? 

Sometimes, I really don't understand. I wonder why I tend to over think situations. I think about how I could make people understand things from my point of view. I try and help people that I think should get the help. But I always end up being right and at the same time hurting the other person, but only after they hurt me so much first. Then they find out that I was right all along.

I wonder if I would ever be the head of a hospital like I want to. But most of all, I wonder if I really got to pursue the arts, like I always wanted to. I guess I don't rebel. Even if I do, I just let people step all over me at the end. Sometimes I feel so used. I feel like some people want to get close to my friend who is prettier, fairer, quieter than me. I feel like some people just want me to help do them a favor and then they don't need me. I don't understand why they don't ask me, and use me instead. I would have helped you if you told me from the very beginning, why must you make me feel like crap?

I always wonder if karma really existed. Does it? Because I don't see anyone being served with what they deserve. But I guess God has his own way with dealing with things. I know how really rich and vulgar people suffer so much when they're really old and I wonder if those people I see being mean towards others would suffer the same fate, minus the rich. I wonder how I would look like when I am older. I wonder if I would ever get married or if I would ever meet someone I can stand.

I wonder if I could be close to someone, I wonder if I could keep up this facade for much longer. I wonder if I could ever change to be a person so different that no one would recognise me. I sometimes wonder if everything I'm thinking is really worth it, I wonder if you, me and everyone else are just quarks and leptons in this universe and we've been tricked into thinking that we are much more superior than the others. Sometimes I wonder if Aliens really do exists and if they are indeed smarter than us or are they us, but in the future. Or are aliens really dumb. I really don't know.

What bugs me the most is that I don't have answers to my questions. But I ask them anyway. But I ask myself this. I ask myself if I care enough. I ask myself can I NOT care. I really don't know. Sometimes, little things move me, little things make me so angry, little things makes me confused. That little things start becoming bigger things and sometimes it fills up so much space in my head that I feel like it's about to explode.

Sometimes, I wish I was a C.I.A agent, or a spy, I wish I was an assassin, I wish I owned a football club, I wish I had a pool, I wish I knew celebrities, I sometimes wonder, what is so great about them anyway, because I know that they make good songs and all, but you have to be "discovered" and then you join into this "elite" group. I sometimes wonder about Taylor Swift. About how many people she has dated, if it was her fault or the people she has dated, I do find out about it online, but most of the time, I don't bother because I think to myself that I have nothing to do with it, so, I shouldn't bother. 

Sometimes, I wonder, If I died tomorrow, would anyone miss me. And this makes me cry. Even though I dislike the way my mother treats me, I still cry when I think about how one day she will die and leave me. I sometimes dream about things and that makes me sad, but it's only a dream and I know people would find me silly over analyzing a dream.

I like to think that there is a purpose for everything that happens. But maybe it's because I don't want to feel foolish for everything that has happened to me before. Sometimes I wonder, if I would have answered questions differently, if I would have said something to someone differently, although I know they would never remember what I told them, would it matter? Because I still think about conversations between me and friends from a few years ago and I sometimes feel so embarassed and I can feel my cheek getting hot. I know those things don't matter but I still think about things and how things would be. 

I know I probably shouldn't and I'm trying. I know I shouldn't hate people but once in a while, I do. And once in a while, I hate too much. Once in a while, I wish someone died. I know it's wrong. I do. I really do. But, I can't help it. Sometimes, some people hurt me and they think it's funny. They think it's hilarious. They like it. But, I don't. I don't do that to people and I don't understand why. Sometimes, I have my head bowed down, but I know what's going on around me.

People think I don't realize anything. But, it's when I'm silent that I'm observing. I overhear conversations that I probably shouldn't. I try to question people because somehow, there is always an ulterior motive.

I feel sad. I really feel sad. Sometimes, I get so depressed and that's why I have my period cramps. From over thinking. I've been to a few doctors and all of them has said that I'm stressed. They say that I'm not healthy mentally because I'm stressed. I always think that I'm okay. I think that I don't feel my body giving way, so, I'm fine. I really am trying really hard to fit in. But I don't know how. I cannot agree blindly to what other people say and I guess sometimes, I cannot "shut up" and "mind my own business" when it's really mine to mind.

But I am saying this truthfully when I say, I don't know.

Because I really don't know how I feel, what I want, what I need and all that. I guess that's why I believe in things that I can quantify and I make goals, so that I have something to do. I try to reach all of them. I set a time limit and I make myself strive towards that goal. And it keeps me occupied. Sometimes I wonder, am I really living my life or am I living it based on what other people want me to live it.

I honestly do think a lot. I have a lot of things I want to accomplish but sometimes, I really don't know if I should do as I please or please people. Honestly, I've wondered what it would be like to trade your soul to the devil. I've seen so many movies with that in it. Even ghost rider and japanese animes. So, I really do wonder how people can do that and if it was really true. But honestly, there are some questions I don't want to know the answers to.

But you know what, I really don't want to write anymore, I think it's already so late and I know I'm not working tomorrow, but there are some worksheets that I need to get over with and some preparations I should make and thinking about all these things somehow has made me feel a little bit better in a sense that I feel like I should just go to sleep and not over think every single situation. But I guess I can't. I can't take it when people don't like me. I can't take it when people ignore me, I can't take a lot of things. But I'm learning to be okay.

Not that it isn't okay or I am not okay. I really am okay. But I'm just trying to not accept people back into my life once they've left. Because I don't like feeling used. It's like I am alive to make others happy and not myself. So, I really don't want to do this anymore. I really am not giving a hoot about everyone who has left. I wish you all, all the best in your future undertakings but I sincerely have no intention in ever being associated with any one of you. This applies for those in my kindergarten up till now.

And I also know that I might regret this post soon. So I'm going to post it right now.

Till my next post. Lots of love and apologies and with hope that I may be able to write something and publish my book. xx

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

UTC IPOH

For those living in Perak, specifically Ipoh, you would already know about UTC(Urban Transformation Center) or Pusat Transformasi Bandar. As a child, my mother used to take me to that place which was then called Super Kinta, a shopping mall above the market to do her weekly grocery shopping. It's been so long since those days has passed and Super Kinta has closed down. But the memories in that place would never be forgotten. I still remember how the supermarket used to look like, I even remember the chocolate aisle, where I bought my first skittle, back then, we had tropical flavoured ones too, not now, in Ipoh at least.

The bakery where we'd always get doughnuts and the ice-cream shop where I'd always get a scoop of my yam ice-cream. The same place where I lost RM30 by swinging my keychain and losing my purse. The tiny green purse my mother gave me as a gift.



This is how it looks like from outside.

To be honest, the exterior of the building is well, pretty dirty as that is the same place where the market is situated at and you have to make your way into the smelly market to get to UTC, or if you make your way through the parking lot, you wouldn't have to. It really depends on which way you take.

This was honestly my first time back to this place, minus the countless time going to the market even after Super Kinta was closed. My brother wanted to use the gym facilities there, so, my mother decided to go too and it so happened that I was running some errands on that same day, so, they took me too.














They have everything there, the 1Malaysia clinic, where you pay RM1 for any kind of medical facilities, provided that you're a Malaysian. MARA, 1Malaysia Bookstore, a gym, all sorts of ministry offices, it's practically a one stop hub for everything. P/S: They even have a library. Cool huh?

The Gym

Since I wasn't able to do anything, I decided to use the free internet services provided.



Follow me on twitter: AmyIsabella3


I wasn't the only one using their free internet facilities.

We went there at about 6.00p.m. and there were quite a number of people who were already there. Oh, they charge RM1 for school going students, up to Form5. RM3 for higher education, be it Government Universities or Private colleges and RM5 for adults, each time you go there.






They even have an aerobic studio and classes are held in the morning, if I'm not mistaken.


They have a foosball table, but it's not yet in service, imagine my dissapointment.


Stationary bicycles.



Treadmills and everything that a gym should have.







A drink dispenser, haven't seen this for a long time. (maybe I just don't go out much)



A top-up stop. You can now top up your hand phone easily.





They have a separate room for all the weight lifting appliances. Oh hello there, you ultra muscular man.






You would also find a changing room, both for men and women in the so called "room" although there isn't a door just a space for entry.





They don't have a shower though.




Out of the room again:



My brother, trying to figure out how to use that equipment.



Mirrors to reflect your posture and stuff, you know, to see if you're "doing it right".





They have a notice of conduct too.

I guess that's about it. If you have the time, do make a trip to the this place to check it out for yourself.

Till my next post. xx

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Kids these days.

Eye bags, pimply skin, rough patches, sunburn, my skin is in such a bad condition right now, because I've been under so much stress these days, not only from work but from my parents as well. So, I haven't been blogging, I've been reading, and for some reason (one situation being over described and dragged) and I just hate those kind of stories.

Anyway, today, I will talk about kids in today's age.

iPads, iPhones, mannerism, modesty, respect, honesty, mindfulness and etc. Some, they possess, but others, they do not.

These days, I work with children, I volunteer at the hospital, so I also work with children there. I have teenagers around me, I go out where kids are most abundant (most of the time) and a lot of the things I do, I'm surrounded by children and teenagers.

From what I observe, there are too many extremely rude kids. Although the numbers are not large, it isn't right to have more than one extremely rude kid in one place. As you all may know, I work at KUMON, I teach Maths and English. 

Some of those kids, act like "smart alecs". They honestly think they know it all. There is this one kid whom we (the teachers) call boboi, who is extremely rude (towards me at least). It could be because I'm much more patient and friendlier than most of the teacher's there. Although Teacher Agnes is not at all ill natured. She's so kind and loving, very much an affectionate person towards her students. This "boboi" hits me with his pencil, insults me, and even when I told him that I would tell his mother, he still didn't want to stop insulting me. That was until I told him "If you want to continue insulting me, I would not like to see your face in front of me".

Trust me, I was being nice to him, and smiling even though he was insulting me, referring me as "weird", my English is "weird" and all that. Ironic as he speaks English lathered with a thick Chinese accent. Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm pretty sure I speak better English than you can and I'm quarter British, so, I would very much appreciate it if you did not give me the judgmental look whenever you're asking me a question. 



There is this other kid, who thinks she's always right and when you tell her that she got a question wrong, she'd ask you this "Where got?". Typical Malaysian style of asking you something. When I explain it to her, then she says "Oh" and even when I mark something for her, she assumes that I mark it wrong even though I have not marked anyone's paper wrongly (at least I hope. But I'm very careful with my marking)

That "boboi" asked me the silliest question in the whole world "Is this your work?" (teaching, he means). It's awkward to tell your student that, so, I just look at Teacher Agnes with the "I don't know what to say" kind of look.

Although I'm very much familiar with kids and I don't really pay mind to the things that they say, but I really think that kids these days have been pampered a wee bit too much. They have their iPads, iPhones, iPods and all kinds of things. While, myself, on the other hand, only owned an iPod at the age of 16, and it was a reward for obtaining straight A's in PMR. iPhone? 19 years old, for obtaining straight A's in SPM. Nook, you say? Good results in my A-levels. 

Everything that I ever got was because of something I did. I worked for it. It's not like my parents didn't have the money to buy me things, not at all, they had plentiful to be honest. But, they just never thought that buying things at their leisure would make us the adults that we are.

My brother's first phone was only a Nokia. He then got his iPhone 3 and 3Gs after he went to University and scored 4 flats in his examinations. But these days, it's like everyone has one. My parents didn't want me to be like (no offence) people/kids living in urban areas, like Kuala Lumpur and Singapore. Moving in the fast lane, everyone wants to be all "flashy" and show off what they have. But to me, I think what my parents did were right. To hold things back, so that we really do appreciate the things that we get. Although, not anymore, because at this age, we've all already learned what's wrong and right and we KNOW how to appreciate things.

Heck, we weren't allowed to have a phone until we were 18 (except my younger brother, he's 15 this year) 

Modesty? 
I think that word is alien to most kids these days, there isn't humbleness in them, nothing to even acknowledge the gratitude towards things around them. Which I think is a very bad thing.

The first things that should be imparted on kids are basic mannerism, the 3 magic words "Please, Thank You and Sorry", gratitude, modesty, kindness and giving, and most importantly "how to be human". 

What not to say, what to say, beating a child is not wrong. If they do something wrong or say something completely out of line, I do think the child should be beaten, yes, even if they are the only child. I've been beaten with a walking stick, hose, rattan, hand, belt, cup, you name it. I didn't have an easy childhood, although my parents think I did. I'm just naturally happy-go-lucky in nature, although they don't even know half of the things that go through my mind. 

Sometimes, when I share it with them, they think that I'm doing something bad behind their back or some things that I say shouldn't be said aloud. But, I find them such cowards, my mum especially. She talks about everything, I'm somehow her doormat on which she can step on, and she tells all kind of nonsense opinions that I never do agree on, her traditional mind and fickle mindedness, sometimes gets me so vexed, yet, I do nothing and listen without uttering a single work. Yet, she does not appreciate it and she tries to oppress me. Heck, even what I want to study, she pushes, pushes and pushes me. 

So what if I'm a good science student? Yes, I may be good at it, but I would rather do something I love even if I sucked in it. Just because she obtains joy from baking, she refrains me from doing so, sometimes, I feel like she doesn't want me to do it, because she wants to be the only cook/chef in the house, because everyone loves her cooking. I've had too much of her cooking to continue appreciating them. Not because it's bad, but because she doesn't add variety to her everyday dishes and I hate mundane things. 

Things that are the same always appear unpalatable to me and I cannot stop myself from feeling so. I think there is so much rage in me when I come to think of it, my parents are "old fashioned" when it comes to their thinking. No matter how much they try to deny it, I don't think any of my siblings would deny it, because they themselves know the truth, we don't tell them in fear of offending them though.

I think kids these days are too babied. In a sense that everything is provided for them, if  a teacher scolds their kids, their parents are all up front and all in their teacher's face threatening to sue the teacher or the school. During my time, if we got beating in school, you get back from school and I get a long lecture from my parents. 

I still don't understand how parents can accept the fact that their children's grades are so horrendous and they choose to do nothing. I still remember getting 20 in class when I was in Secondary one. It was the first quarter of the year exam by the way, I got whacked with the rattan really badly and I had marks all over my body that I had to wear long sleeved shirts everywhere I went, even tuition. Later on, I got only top 5 in class (I was in the first class by the way).

The next thing that I think is absent in the parents themselves, I think some parents are really ignorant, they send their children to an hours session half an hour before the center closes. This really instills negative quality in your child. Ring-a-ding-dong, you're supposed to be the role model, the "life teacher" to your kids, not set the bad example. 

Now I know how Malaysian attitude of arriving at least half an hour late for every event begun. Honestly, if I was invited for any event, I would be there at least, a minimum of 5 minutes earlier. Although my mom always makes me attend late to events that she's not attending and again, she would deny it. But, honestly, I really hate that attitude of hers. And all my friends thinks that my mother is so "nice". Pffftttt... You'll never know someone, until you start living with them.

They think I'm not independent enough, but they often forget the times when I spent in National Service. I do everything on my own. But, I feel that they secretly want me to be dependent and "need" them. But, sorry to say, I only need financial support (for now), later on in life, I wouldn't even need that. Why? Because God blessed me with a well functioning body which I'm forever grateful for.

Also, parents that do not wish to accept their children's illness. There is this deaf and dumb kid in my class, whom I try to make conversations with whenever I'm not doing anything, I knew him even before this, when I was studying in KUMON Greentown Ipoh, he was a very restless kid before this because his parents didn't want to accept the fact that he was different from others, they would send him for tuition classes and pick him up very much later and that practically pissed him off. 

There is this other autistic kid whom his parents refused to accept the fact that he was different as well, but now, they're slowly beginning to accept it and thank goodness for that because even though the deaf and dumb kid's parents still sent him to a regular school, these parents are sending him to a school with special needs. 

I even have a friend who has a mildly autistic brother, whom the teachers made fun of, teased him and called him "stupid" and "retarded". 



I always feel sad for these kids because they are actually very intelligent beings and to be honest, they are so special and you actually learn a lot from them and every time I listen to what they have to say, I feel a bit happy because I learn something new about them. To me, every word they tell me is a knowledge imparted upon me, to enlighten me a bit more of who they are, and their abilities. 

I think in our modern society, we are still very much ignorant of these type of people and shun them which is really a sad and despicable thing. The parents especially should pay a little more attention towards their kids and help mould a better human being out of them. It's not every day you give birth to a kid. If they were left to be as they were, ignorant as they already are, the outcome wouldn't at all benefit anyone. 

I think parents these days neglect their children a lot and hence, these ignorant, rude and in some ways annoying children are born (although not literally) and they think they can make up their absence by splurging on them with expensive things. I guess all that can be said is that "parents have to reassess their priorities".




Remember that life is short and we should never take things for granted, we should always  give back to the needy every time we are presented with the opportunity to do so. Be understanding and act only with kindness towards others, for you will never know when you may need the compassion of others. Never be too cocky or feel that you are more than supplicated. Because God only gives those who appreciates everything that He gives. One day, you may be stripped off everything you have, you never know. The future is too unpredictable and no soothsayers can drive away any calamity that the future my hold for you.

This post's hot guy:


Sterling Knight.




You may already know him from Sonny with a chance where acts alongside Demi Lovato. But if not, here it is. He has grown into a very handsome man indeed. Someone to check out. As always. 

Till my next post. xx