Wednesday, August 22, 2012


I guess it's safe to say that these days, I really don't know what to do. Who to trust, who not to. Who to be close to and who to avoid. Because it seems like everyone is wearing a mask. They're like a replica of the things from the stories we used to listen to as we were little kids, the lion in the sheeps skin. 

Those who seem too good to be true and somehow or rather, we refuse to trust our instincts and rather trust that they're good and they would do nothing to hurt us. Honestly, I used to trust people very easily, used to tell them everything. That was until those people who agreed with me about that person, would suddenly become best friends in no time at all.

I'm just sick of all the lies, people judging me from stories they've heard. I mean, if I really did that, then by all means, go ahead, play God, think what you want. But, this is something that people were not involved in and as it crashed, everyone came poking their nose in, thinking it's their problem, seriously, it's my life, my problem. None of your concern. I mean, I'm genuinely thankful for those who care about me and wants to make sure that I'm alright. It's just a handful of people who listen to what others say. I'm a person of facts, I don't say things unless I have proof. I don't make cock and bull stories and I definitely don't need pity or attention.

I've had too much of those my whole life and nobody knows how hard it is to be surrounded by people and all that you've got to do is smile and put on a brave face when all you want to do is frown and turn your back on the world.

It's hard to have expectations on your shoulder, when the whole world is watching. They think you're perfect. I'm honestly not perfect and I don't have a perfect life. I'm just good at covering up all the sadness I have. All those emotions, I just keep them to myself, because, I'm not that type of person who whines to everyone. Although, if I do whine to you, it means I trust you. Because, I never let my guard down for too long or for too many people.

But honestly, I've had my best friend back stab me and tell people things just because she  wanted the attention that I was getting. From then on, I've had trust issues my whole life. Up to a point, I can never share anything with anyone. This was until I met someone  special in my life, Fareesha (and Lidya also but Lidya is different but my awesome best friend too). By someone special, I don't mean in a relationship special. That's gross, really. We've fought for God knows how much and how long. There'd be time we would scream and yell at each other. Call each other names and suddenly, we'd be back as friends. There was even a time when I refused to talk to her for almost 5 months and then we continued talking again.

Best part is, we never brought things up, the past was left as it was and we would do stupid things and crazy, unimaginable things together. We don't see each other everyday, but our friendship has not faltered even one bit. She's always that person who advises me whenever she thinks I'm about to get myself into deep shit and she's always had my back and she's those type of person who would laugh when I would fall and then help me up.

Sometimes, we call each other up when we're in the most foul of moods and we'd make each others day hell. We would hang up the phone only to call each other again and then call each other  "B****" and we won't mind. She's the only person who can joke with me without taking things to heart. 

I can trash talk about her to her and she wouldn't mind and she'd just find some shit worst to say about me. She'd never point out my faults, my weaknesses or my mistakes and neither have I. I don't necessarily have to approve of what she has done and I do strongly disapprove of her usage of vulgar words online. But, those are things I think, one day, she will realize on her own. (hopefully)

But, no matter how much we go through, we're always there for each other, we always make time for each other, no matter how hard it is. We've not had a proper meeting with each other for almost two years, which is after I left school and yet, nothing seems to change between us. 

I have come a long way, making mistakes, tumbling over boulders, being washed ashore and being dragged around like a gunny sack and yet, she has always been there to dust my feet. I guess, even if and when you're in a relationship with me, there's always going to be another person who would matter a lot to me. Because, it just is that way. If you can't take it, then I can't have you. Sorry. 

I don't think I'd risk my friendship for a relationship because God only knows how much we've been through. I guess, when we're both girls, you might also assume that we're lesbians. But, NOOOO!!! Let me assure you, I am a 100% straight. I am not at all interested in a person of the same gender. Hahaha....

But, I guess we just understand each other and are willing to accept each other as we are. Honestly, I don't think anyone else can do the same thing. Maybe, one day, my future husband would. I guess that's why it's so hard for me to look for someone compatible with me. I know they can never stand me. I'm very difficult. I like to tell the people I love about all my dissatisfaction and one bad habit I have is to not tell them I love them but I'm better at showing it. 

But, it doesn't at all mean that I don't love them. I guess, I'm just not very well versed in that situation. But I'm trying to be more transparent. To let people in my life and let them love me. But, I guess I've just been broken, hurt and scarred too many times that I feel that everyone I love is eventually going to leave.

Honestly, being in a relationship with me is not easy, I'm going to pick fights for little things, I'm going to make a big deal of your exes and I'm going to throw tantrums for words you never say. But, I will make every fight worth the tears, I only fight because I care. I make a big deal of your exes because I will never understand why you couldn't wait for me. I would make a big deal of them because honestly, I hate myself for not knowing you before they knew you, for not knowing you existed. I only hate myself for not being able to be there. I throw tantrums only because I want you to know how I feel. I want you to hug me, to tell me that everything is alright. Not leave me alone. I may say I want to be left alone, but honestly, I just want you to make that tiny bit of effort to not leave.

I don't care if you're going to sit there without saying a word and watch me cry, but just be there for me. I don't need you to buy me things, but when we go out, when I offer to pay, don't let me pay, pay for me. Or go Dutch. Please be a gentlemen. I don't think it's easy for me to find a perfect guy. I'm not looking for a perfect guy. I'm just looking for someone who is patient enough to take the time to understand me and would stick by my side through thick and thin. Who would not make a big deal of our fights and would brush it off because he loves me enough.

You know how they say that your worst attitude is reserved for the person who loves you the most? Well, that's because they love you enough to accept you for who you are. They accept you for the bad and the good. The best relationships aren't the ones with the most sweet memories. But it's when you want to be there even when the whole thing sucks and you feel like leaving and yet you stay.

I'm clumsy, I say things I don't mean. I shut down emotionally sometimes and I'm afraid to trust. But that doesn't mean I won't eventually trust you to give my everything.

Whoever said things didn't change in a short time was obviously not a big enough dreamer. Honestly, if you wanted to make a change, especially in yourself, then one month is a lifetime! There's so much of things you can do in a month. You just have to believe in yourself and make the change you want to see in others. You have to correct the wrong in yourself before even thinking of righting the wrong of others.

This is of course, for my future husband, if you ever read my blog. Here's for you. I'm going to be a pain in the butt sometimes, but if you can accept me just the way I am, you'd know I'm actually a hard candy with a soft center. I'm sensitive and caring. But, I just don't put it out for exhibition, it takes a long time to peel the layers and to know me as I truly am. That's why you've got to be patient and you've got to want to know me as I am.
Know that when I say I love you, I mean it and when I fall for you, it means, I will never love a person the same way. If you can't accept me, then don't even make the first move. Because, I'm just not ready for a heartbreak. Not at all.

I truly believe that one day, I would find this person or maybe I have found the person, but the person or I just haven't know it yet.

Somedays, I wake up with voices in my head, instructing me what to do. Making me think of things and putting me in such a messed up state and on days like that, I just wish it would stop, for once. I wish it would stop. I wish I'd have silence.

As I've said before, I'm not perfect and I'm far from perfect, but one thing I know, I'm worth it. Just like everyone out there, there are so many good people and they're worth it. But many a times, people undeserving have them and just screw up with their lives. You never know what a person has gone through unless you yourself has gone through exactly everything that they've been through. So, you don't know what they've been through. You can't judge anyone because for all you know, that smile is just a concealment of their sadness. Before you talk about someone, think twice and think if you would like people to do the same thing to you.

                                 Okay, I couldn't help myself. Hahahahaha......

Whichever religion you choose to believe in, continue to trust because God will grant you solace together with everything else you seek.

Listen, trust is earned, it takes a long time for you to build up the trust, but it takes only seconds to break it. It's never easy to trust the same person again because sometimes, you just have that thing called doubt that arouse in certain situation. But if it's with someone, or something you never want to lose, especially your parents, siblings, best friends and people you love, it's important that you do learn how to trust.

Because, just like any human being, we're all susceptible to mistakes. You just have to accept the fact that everyone makes mistakes because nobody is perfect and if you're lucky enough to have someone's trust even after you've broken it for so many times, be grateful.

Sometimes, trust can be something hard to give to someone you truly trusted in once upon a time. Maybe even seemingly impossible. But, sometimes, you forgive not because they're right or you're wrong but merely because you want them in your life. Sometimes, you apologize for no reason at all but that just means you value your relationship more than your ego. Sometimes, it's taken for granted and people think that just because you're apologizing, it means that you're admitting that you're wrong. But honestly, I've been in this situation too many times before and I've just gotten sick with this type of people and I'm sorry that they don't see things through my spectacles. But, I hope that one day, God would help them see things from my perspective and understand me like how I understand them.

I've tried so many times to be there for people who only find me when they need me. They treat my like some trash which they use only at times and then you don't hear from them at all. I value all my relationships, be it friendship, family and etc. I am that type of person who would rather have my back stabbed by someone I love and say sorry to them than to let them rot in hell. 

I guess it's just me, I care too much at times. Everyone sees this. Even my teachers and they've told me countless times before that I shouldn't care. But, no matter how much I try to change those things, I guess I really can't. That's been my nature and it's something like asking a rabbit to eat meat. I just won't do that. I'm not blowing my own trumpet or saying that I'm good. I just know that I have a part of me that is too sensitive and sentimental. I know this because I am me. I know myself.

 I've trusted too many people, that sometimes, when things fall apart, I cannot trust them back again. It's really hard. But, one day, they'd be in the circle of trust again but just not today. Not now. I need time. Really, I need a lot of time. But, sometimes, I just learn to trust again because I don't want to lose that person. Trust me, it's really hard. I know.

Sometimes, the lies are much more beautiful than the truth. Sometimes, the truth hurts really bad and sometimes, the lies can grant you temporary peace. But, sometimes, not all the time, it's better to trust the lies than the truth because even in the smallest of lies, there are some truth.

This is one of a few of my favourite quotations from Shakespeare. Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. :)

We're always contemplating between trusting someone and trusting no one. Is it better to trust yourself or trust others? Do you think other people know you as well as you know yourself? The decisions that they make for you, are they going to live with it for their whole life? No... No... No... 

So, why is it that we refuse to trust our intuition? We make those decisions and then we find someone to blame it all. Blame it all on one person. Are you really that cruel to even imply that someone should take the blame for everything? You really want to thrust all your burden on someone else's shoulder just because you want to feel good about yourself? Are you good enough? Do you think you're good enough? If you do... then I have nothing to say.

Honestly, there are some things that no matter how wrong it may seem, we have to do it. Because, you never know some thing until you've done it. If you ask me, I would rather have my life filled with  "Oh Well's" than "What If's". I would never regret anything in my life because at one point, those were the things I really wanted. I never regret my actions and I have my reasons behind each and every one of my actions although it may seem baffling at times or you cannot understand it. But, I have my reasons. If you're lucky enough, I would share it with you. But I must say, sometimes, things come in ways that you never thought it would.

It's a blessing in disguise. If you feel like doing something or saying something to someone or going some place whether alone or with someone or if you just want to tell your parents how much you love them, today is not a bad time. Not at all. 

Sometimes, those insignificant things in life, they may seem insignificant to others in life but it's important that you do it. It's important that you make that decision. It's important that you trust in how you feel. Just believe in yourself and trust that you can do it and it would be worth it. 

Just trust me. :)

Till' my next post. xx

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