Sunday, March 18, 2018

The next steps..

As I've graduated from University and am moving onto real life issues, like searching for a job, travelling and realising who my true friends are, this past 2 months post moving back to Malaysia has been a real eye-opener. I realised that looking for a job is not the most important thing in the world. I don't have to have a job immediately after I graduate. I have learnt that my family will always be there for me, regardless of what I choose to do. I realised that I had to pause before I decided to move forward again. I also realised how some people who you consider as friends envy your achievements and somehow are proud of others' achievements but not yours. You discover that people you thought were close to you saw you as a competition and your happiness meant that they were unhappy. I also realised that "close" friends are also the ones that wish for you to be unsuccessful so that they can feel happy with their lives. 

In my life, I have never envied another person's success to the point that I wished they were unsuccessful. Sure, I have envied someone else's success by wishing that I could achieve the same, but never make their success a marker of my happiness. I understand that everyone has a path that they take and that success is different for everyone. I realise that sometimes we all face tough challenges and sometimes, we look through the outside and fail to see the struggles of others that they may go through internally. I have seen too many of this these days that sometimes I wonder what exactly drives someone to feel this way. When my friends achieve something, I feel so happy for them that they are doing really well for themselves, but how is it when you've been there for someone, they feel the need to envy you?

Be proud of me. Be happy for me. My success only means that I will share with you what is mine. Unfortunately, seeing some people only wish bad things for me in life is just disappointing when all I have ever given or wished for them is good things and happiness. I thought that throughout my life that if I don't do something before a certain time, then I will never be happy. But I'm realising that things happen at its own pace and we don't get to force things but just to go with the flow. 

At the same time however, I have rediscovered how friends from many years who I've treated as family, no matter how many years of not seeing each other, despite many missed birthdays and despite circumstance have wished me only good things and happiness. I have realised that sometimes, the people that care for you, no matter the distance, the time or the circumstance, will always wish good things for you. I realised how blessed I am to have so many people that still care for me and pray for me when the times get tough. I am so blessed to have people who support me, who spend time on me, who share what they have with me because of how much they love me. I never really stopped to look at things from a different perspective, because I saw the people around me, some moving to new countries, some getting a job, some getting married, some having children and I thought, "Oh, no, I'm running out of time".

Then I had a conversation with a few of my friends and realised that nothing really mattered and feelings don't really change and we will always make things work. I also noticed how people come and go in life but the real ones stayed. I sometimes feel a bit awkward to approach people because I am afraid that I might worry them, that I might make them feel like I worry too much about them, yes, I am afraid of how people would perceive my actions. But regardless, I also know that I worry too much about things that I cannot control. But these are my character flaws and I cannot change it. 

I have always used writing as a medium to help with organising my thoughts and feelings. But sometimes, it does get a little overwhelming to explain things in which I am putting it out there for people to read and get a glimpse into how I feel. 

Although throughout my life, now turning a quarter of a century in age, I'm starting to realise that we all make choices that we will regret or cherish, but where we are now is all because of the mistakes and the right choices we once made. I am happy with where I am now. I believe that as long as you never hurt anyone intentionally on the way, as long as you are honest, hardworking and you are resourceful, you will be happy. Regardless of my circumstance, I am happy, because I have nothing to worry about in life. 

I have been blessed with amazing people in my life, although I am not the type who have many friends, but the ones I have, I cherish. It's hard for me to have a connection with someone and usually, I'm much comfortable with someone who is a lot older than I am. But regardless, the few friends that I have, they are amazing. I may not keep in touch as often as I would like, but I definitely know who have been there when the going was tough. I know who had my back when I was sad. I know who helped me and supported me through difficult times. I also know who are the people who claimed they were my friend but either did nothing or mocked me behind my back. 

I think in life, as naive as it may sound, the most important thing is to listen to your heart, to never hurt a person and to always be kind to anyone. I have done so many things in my life on my own, but I never feel like it's enough. What I have, I owe it to the people around me, for without them, I would be nobody. So, to those reading, you know how you have helped me, or when we have communicated and regardless, whether you're a friend, a co-worker, a person I met once, or a couple of times, regardless if we spoke frequently or occasionally or even if we hardly speak these days, I know each and everyone of the stories and conversation we have had because I cherish them.

I remember how being at University, people thought I knew just about everyone, but up till this day, I remember every unique trait of everyone I have met and stories I've heard about them. Deep down, I'm still the 17 year old book worm who has her head down on the table, while reading a book, but still knows what everyone is doing in the room. I will never cease to be a nerd, a knowledge seeking, inquisitive nerd. But at the same time, I have come so far that I no longer am ashamed of the colour of my skin or the shape of my nose or my height or my waist size. I learnt to embrace myself when I was in the worst state of my depression because I learnt that there is nothing I can change. But at the same time, I got tired of feeling upset about it. 

When people look at me, they say I have an air of confidence, but the air of confidence comes from constantly being told I was not good enough. But I am. I am good enough for myself. There will never be another person like me. I recognise that I have flaws and good traits. I know that I can sometimes be too chatty, I know that sometimes, I hate losing a fight, but I've learnt to compromise, I have learnt to listen, I have learnt to accept criticism and I think that's a pretty damn good improvement. No, I'm not sorry for who I am. I am only apologetic for the times I have hurt someone's feelings whether intentionally or unintentionally. I am only sorry when I should have met expectations, but I fell short. I am only sorry for things that I could have and should have fulfilled and not looking at both sides of the story. 

But I'm no longer sorry if someone doesn't like me, or if they are envious of the life that I lead. I'm no longer sorry for being a tad bit too tanned, I'm not sorry that who I am as a person does not meet what you require from me. I cannot be someone's punching bag. I will support, but not be a doormat and that's something that everyone should know and learn: their limits. 

It's very easy to be there for someone when they need you, and to be grateful. But not everyone is raised the same way and people will take you for granted and you should learn when to say no and when to realise that enough is enough. I realised that University was just the beginning and when you graduate, there are more lessons you learn, from people and from the job searching journey. I realised how passion is important and why I should pursue it. I realised why consistency is important and no matter how much I feel I don't want to share something, I should, if it helps to educate someone. 

Life is a journey, for sure, I never realised why people say, it's too short, so learn to enjoy it. But now, I do and for every time I'm somewhere, for whatever it is I get to enjoy, I am thankful and I am happy even if I'm not where I want to be because I am where I am supposed to be and I'm enjoying the time I have with the people around me and that sure is special. I love everyone that I have been surrounded with recently. Everyone who have been kind and patient with me. Everyone that have made me laughed and all the hugs we have shared. All the places I have gone to and all the spectacular views I have enjoyed. And for all the amazing food I have eaten, my tummy loves you but my body just wants to get rid of you. 

So, friends and family, acquaintances and former colleagues. I ask you just one thing. 

Be grateful.

Be grateful for your friends, family, time, time spent with others, their achievements, your opportunities and most importantly the love you receive. Trust me because you'll never have another moment at the very same time you're having. So, be grateful. 

Thank you. Till my next post. xx

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Are we easily offended and irritated?

What I have realised over the years, whether it be based on my personal experience or on materials that I have read; is that our society that we live in have become easily offended by things that we hear, read or see.

Before, I used to put myself in tough situations so that I am able to learn to handle situations which I feel uncomfortable in. However, as I grow older, I find myself avoiding situations in which I feel uncomfortable in or where I have little to no control. I have become increasingly vexed by little things that I have no control over and because of that, even with people, I don’t particularly like uncertainties. I found myself becoming increasingly cautious and doubting everything and to some extent I began doubting the importance of anything and adopting a somewhat negative perspective on life.

But I suppose, the hectic lifestyle that I was leading made me unhappy with my life and the uncertainties that I was experiencing, further vexed me. In my mind, I saw no escape from this unhappiness and it drove me further into feeling negative about everything around me. I found myself being critical and avoiding the news mainly because it made me upset. I would shy away from people because it felt like too much of an effort to spend time with people, because while I was physically present, I was mentally absent and I continued thinking about things that I could have done differently or to ponder upon things that I should do, or paths that I should take. 

Then I thought about the people around me, especially sometimes, when I speak to people who work in customer facing roles, and how bitter they are in life (not all but some) and the fact that I have to clearly point out that I mean some folks and not all so that people don't get offended by my words. This is testimony to the sheer reality in which our society have become increasingly sensitive to any topic that is brought up today.

As much as I do think that there ought to be more structure in the things that we do and as much as I think that there are increasingly things that dissatisfy us. But, I also wonder, if it is the increasing ease in almost all our transactions that has made us almost expectant of the services that we receive. In striving to achieve operational excellence, we always say that only the first time that you go above and beyond have you exceeded expectations, every other time, it would merely mean you are meeting expectations and failing to do so, would mean that the service delivered is unsatisfactory.

Having said that I wonder if all these technology that has made everything a lot simpler, made us tune out and disconnect to real life and with people. I wonder if that’s why we increasingly have no regard for human life. So much so that a child can be raped by someone that they trust and be killed afterwards. I wonder as well, if that is why people think that deaths that happen due to a war that is happening is irrelevant as that is what happens when there is a war. I also wonder, if because of that, we don’t bother to check facts as to why these things happen and instead accept it as it is.

Let us say that we are to ignore all of those and now focus solely on how we feel on a daily basis. Are we mostly content with what we have? And if not, are the people around us making us unhappy? Sometimes, I feel so lost and almost confused because I feel like I’m doing so many things yet we are going nowhere. Equally, when you look at the news, you look at the political situations of each country and time and time again, it’s only news if there’s a bombing, or political unrest or the games, or something that some people view as significant.

People hardly smile to each other anymore and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to try and connect with people and to me, I can’t help but wonder why. And of course, there are things that deeply disturb me in regards to my situation and my pursuit of happiness, particularly in looking for a job in which I can kick-start my career. But equally, LinkedIn can sometimes be depressing, especially with the Generation Y label and how we are thought to be selfish, entitled, lazy and ignorant. But equally, the same people who asks us not to stereotype, do exactly that. I wonder sometimes what exactly I am doing wrong as I constantly speak to guidance counsellors and friends and people of influence and attend events as well as work really hard.

But I think maybe I am doing something wrong somewhere and if that is the case, I would like to know in which area. This being so that I am able to improve myself. Sometimes, I wonder, am I ignorant, selfish, entitled and all of the above? I ask myself the questions and I suppose in some ways I we all feel a certain way, but I guess I need to view myself from a third person point of view before suggesting that I am doing things right. But equally, my point is that I don’t know if this is true and would definitely like your opinion as to whether or not people these days get offended very quickly.

Till my next post. xx

Friday, December 22, 2017

It's too hard...

I haven't been on here for awhile. And I know there have been quite a number of people who have messaged me asking why I have stopped blogging. Truth is, blogging used to be so simple in the past where I could just speak my mind out. I always believe that every thought that you share are open to criticism so sometimes, especially when I'm feeling pensive or am particularly upset by some things in particular, I don't necessarily like sharing it anymore. I guess over the years, I have been more upset by things that other people say, but I have no control over what someone says to me and neither do they have control over what they say having an effect on me.

One thing that I have realised is that there are billions of people in this world and everyone perceives everything differently. I'm also clinically depressed, so, my view on the world is also skewed. I remember one day at work, when I was serving a customer and one of the customer requested for the "blackest" meat that we had and a colleague of mine who was of Caribbean descent asked me if the man in question intentionally paid emphasis on the word "blackest" because the two people, him and I, were of darker skin tone, and to me, it did not for a second made me think that he was intentionally being racist or showed any prejudice. But I recognise that due to someone's upbringing, they may perceive something completely differently from how you and I would. So, I started to think how in general, I would never be offended by words because at the end of the day, they're just words. However, I am personally offended when people dismiss me based on their assumption of who I am and where I come from. I have had people in the past point at me and say, "India", somewhat posing a question to enquire where I was from and I have politely answered that I am not and I am from Malaysia, which often times, their demeanour changes to somewhat a softer and less provoking sort. But, why does it matter where anyone is from?

I think it's unfair that if you came from a developing country, you are treated with less respect, but when did anyone decide who they were going to be born to, how they were to be raised, where they were raised and what privilege accompanied their upbringing? So, how are we to judge this at all. And at the same time, we have a full-on holocaust happening in Palestine, where people are being shot for being Palestinians, they've had their country stripped of their recognition as a country, they've had to carry passes to go into their own capital of Jerusalem and now the United States is trying to recognise Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, when all along, Tel Aviv has been the capital of Israel. It angers me when people do not have the free will. I believe in the preservation of anyone's country, culture, free-will and independence and are very much offended by people who feel that it is acceptable for them to impose such a thing on other people, but are angered if someone were to impose something on them (even if it is as little as putting your bag 1mm on their seat). Do you recognise the double standards? Yes, you may ask them to move their bag away and many people would willingly remove their bag and apologise for their mistake. But, some people don't have that kind of freedom. 

I have always been an activist, I've always voiced my opinions, I've always been very vocal about my views on particular topics and I also am aware that what I share today, will have a huge impact in the future, even going to the extremes of it concerning my safety one day. We all know that everything that we share online, whatever that we say to other people, are not necessarily just things that are private. We have seen cases where things that are shared a very long time ago by some celebrities, or well-known figures, resurface and how much it has offended people as well. I'm pretty sure that is the same for me. I cannot say that I have never been or shown prejudice in my whole life. I think sometimes we are taught to do it as a child, I know my mother did teach us to be prejudice but it's also possible to learn that it is wrong and I don't blame my mother and my siblings and I have taught her over the years that sometimes she can be a little racist and that comes from how she was raised as well. And it's a shame that people don't recognise this but thankfully my mother learns very well and she listens when we tell her that you can't say certain things because other people may be offended by things, but how many people are open to learning?

Maybe I'm overreacting but I just get really annoyed by a lot of things and manners is another thing that gets me quite perplexed that some people have none. But then again, I always say it boils down to me accepting that not everyone was raised the same, heck even my siblings are not the same, they're mostly blunt but I'm the really sensitive one at home and how that happened, no one will know. But I've always tried to put myself in positions I wouldn't normally put myself in as I know that would allow me to see other people's perspective. But, it's a shame that we all don't. But I suppose we do what we can. I don't really know how and what to say anymore and I will think of better things to post on my blog rather than voicing my frustrations and discontent, but I suppose what I have is a platform in which as little as I can may influence others to view things from a different perspective and I stay true to my objective that I will continue writing as long as there is even one person that is happy to read what I have to say. 

Till my next post. xx

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Back again

One thing that I've found time and time again is how hard it is to keep at it, when life gets in the way. You think that everything is going smoothly and there you go again, trying to multitask, do everything while you can. Then, it starts creeping in, the tiredness, the aching in your body acts as a reminder for you to slow down. But when your body starts showing you these tell-tale signs, people like me retaliate. Refusing to hold back, and even getting frustrated when I'm held back, because my body won't let me. Consequently, this leads to fractured bones, vertigo, tiredness and frequent sleeping spells. Sounds fun doesn't it?

Well.... that pretty much sums up the past year and a bit. It definitely is not easy when you're someone who wants to keep doing things because not doing anything makes you feel so inadequate and feel like you're wasting time. However, one thing that I have learnt over the year is that as much as you like doing things, you HAVE to listen to your body. Your body knows what you're capable or incapable of doing. Over the past year, I've been hurt, I've felt controlled, I've been confused, I've been tired (obviously), I've experienced a whirlwind of emotions and I'm sure it has been the same for many of us. But, everything has died down now and I'm just so happy at where I am and I'm just going to progressively make changes that I would like to see in the near future.

So, moving onto a new chapter in my life. It's always the hardest to close one part of your life and open another one. The road seems long and tiring and it feels like you're inevitably getting closer to the doom that awaits you. But, I suppose, it's to take everything one step at a time and not worry about things too much which is what I tend to do most of the time (worry, that is). I suppose there are so many elements in life that you cannot control and how your day to day life goes is definitely one thing that you have no hold on whatsoever. As much as you would like things to go a certain way, it is never warranted that it will and it is up to you how you choose to feel about the situation. Be upset about it because it didn't go your way or accept that it has happened and move on. 

I sometimes sit and contemplate life and I suppose my blog is very much a way in which I do that. I haven't been writing in awhile because I didn't know how to put my thoughts into words and also because I had a couple of things (and people) that were constantly pressuring me. I suppose, I could say that I experience domestic abuser. Coercive control IS considered domestic abuse and I know a lot of us, especially woman, fear our perpetrator and it's so true how they are so close to home. Mine was my housemate. He made me doubt my feelings and tried to make me turn my back on the people I love and he manipulated me and that was by far the worst thing that could have happened to me but I was silent about it because I didn't know where to turn to. I also didn't want to report him because I didn't want to jeopardise his future. But what about mine? I'm fortunate enough that I was able to leave and I never have to think about it anymore. I'm glad that the harassment has finally ended. I suppose at one point I believed what he said to me, but it's still too raw for me to speak about it. 

Anyway, I just wanted to finally come out and say that I have moved from Lancaster and now live in Manchester. If anyone would like to come visit, please do drop me a line. I am going to see where this journey takes me and I'm really excited to see where this path leads to. I'm finally in a comfortable place and I'm going to start my job search and the area that I am interested in is in management consulting or a business analyst role. If anyone knows of any opportunity in any region, preferably Europe, please do not hesitate to contact me via comment or email. 

It's not a very long post this time. Just a short one to update everyone about what has been happening. I will be posting more regularly and with longer posts soon. 

Till my next post. xx

Sunday, July 9, 2017

What failure feels like....

"Hi XYZ. 

Thank you very much for your application. Although you have exhibited 
some excellent skills and have demonstrated high capability. Unfortunately, 
at this moment we have decided not to progress your application due to our 
business needs. We wish you well with your future applications 
and trust that you will find a suitable place as you 
are an excellent candidate.

Best wishes, 
Head of Graduate Recruitment"

In other words...

"Sorry mate, tough luck, we found someone better than you. 
Although you're not completely rubbish, we'd rather go with someone who 
already knows their stuff. Good luck finding something else, 
maybe someone else will want you"

We've all been there, the horrible feeling of job hunting and then receiving a generic response that you know has been sent out to many different applicants with just the name altered. Now, it's not the recruiters fault that you have not been able to "sell" yourself well enough, but at the same time, you may have already done everything in your power to appear as the right candidate but what I would like to talk to you about today, is not how to make your application better but rather to see a different perspective to failure, which can essentially help you.

I have been lucky enough to have such a supportive backbone in my journey towards finding the right role for myself, and over the years, I have seen myself grow to be a better person and a stronger candidate if anything, although having faced so many rejections. I can hands down now say that if I were to go back to every single role that I had previously been rejected for, I will now be able to obtain the role. But the reason behind it is simply because now I have received the feedback towards why I had not been chosen the first time around. 

The whole graduate recruitment process is a very competitive process, so even being able to pass the first round of the four step process is a huge deal although you may feel like it isn't. I struggle with failure and with recognising that the reasons why I was not hired is sometimes out of my control, which most of the time is my nationality. But nevertheless, I now know that because I'm an international student, I should choose the company I want to work for more carefully because of the HR support that I would be able to access as an overseas candidate whilst working for the company as the benefits and downfalls of an overseas candidate varies differently depending on the company culture and their networks included.

Failure looks different for you and me, for some people, failure is not being able to attain the grade they wanted, for others, it may be not being able to have a child, for some, not being able to find a soulmate before a certain age, for me it's a job, and failure looks different for everyone. 

However, in terms of success, a lot of people, do equate success to having a lot of money, although true, it does depend on the sector that you're working in but it is also majorly attributed to your bank balance, the things you own that others can see and the places that you choose to wine and dine, in other words, your Instagram and Facebook profile, literally.

So, when it boils down, I'd like to touch on how children with wealthy parents use their parents wealth to purchase things that they want and are proud of their material possession which they didn't earn themselves. See, when it comes to material possession, I have been fortunate enough to have been able to live a very privileged life, I chose to do things like work and gain experience from a young age but that was because I personally felt there were aspects of the world that I wasn't happy about. Also, being raised religious, I have always been slightly more aware about the emphasis paid towards helping others and I feel I'm more of a spiritual person when it comes to how I believe in the ying and yang concept and karma and how the earth is made out of energy and a higher power that governs it. 

Sometimes, when I'm on social media platforms and when I'm scrolling through my feed, I cannot help but notice that some of my friends have fared well for themselves, especially in terms of being an actor, or being a Miss World candidate for their country or finalists for the Miss World pageant for their country, or hanging out with celebrities, I have had many friends over the years, who I have carefully decided to detach myself from, because although success in the fame sense has brought them a lot of recognition, I am also aware that if I were to reach out to them, there would be multiple assumptions that would appear on their forefront although not intentionally. I'm quite a private person when it comes to my thoughts, my feelings and my relationships so, I'm unlikely to want things like that to be going out in my friends' circles especially in the case where I have no control over what they can share about myself. Hence, the reason I do try to avoid higher profile friends, especially there is nothing I want from a person except for their friendship and it would hurt me very much if someone were to accuse me of befriending people because of their new found fame, or because of their newly found status in society.

Having said that, when friends of mine share pictures of their Lamborghini, or their Ferrari or of their yacht or helicopters or whatever it is that they do share, I'm not envious at all, but rather, I question who do they actually belong to. Because, fair enough you're privileged, but I don't see how owning a Ferrari which you did not work for can be something you are proud of, the false sense of pride that sometimes overwhelms people who are raised in well-to-do families sometimes baffles me and how I turned out so different coming from a privileged family also equally baffles me. 

The amount of people who associate success with their privilege is sometimes unbelievable to me mainly because to me, I always viewed myself as a liability when it comes to viewing myself from my parents' perspective, mainly because they have the responsibility to feed me, clothe me and provide me with an education, which costs a lot over the years. Obviously it was their choice to choose designer baby clothes when I was younger and their choice to book first class and business class tickets for us, but at the same time, it is a privilege and it's good to recognise this early on. I decided to embark on my own personal journey to educate myself on my own whilst working and that is solely my decision. However, how you use your privilege is also as important as it's in many ways appalling how some people can be happy and content by the things that they own, post it on social media and belittle others who don't have as much. 

All is well if honestly you just want to show off, because some people do and in society, it has become common place for you to do that but the act of belittling someone who has less than you is frankly unacceptable, and to me whether you're the Queen of England or you're a pauper, you're exactly the same to me, because you didn't choose your heritage or your race or anything of that sort and it's important to recognise privilege. A lot of people think that showing off will make them happy but at the end of the day it is the relationships that we build that will allow us to have good conversations and satisfaction, although with Artificial Intelligence (AI), who knows how true this will be, but for me, I'd personally like to have people than things. 

I'm happy now with the least I have had in years and happy to say that it is all from my own efforts and everything I spend is because of me and out of my own initiative and when I do become a wealthier person, I know it would be on my own terms, but having said that it's not my main priority, but it is within my capability and then I will face a different challenge with the privilege I will then have and how I exercise my abilities and the newly found power that I will have especially when it comes to influencing others. 

There is a saying that goes:

"You are the average of the 5 closest people you choose to hangout with the most and your success is based on who you choose to spend time with" 

If this is indeed true, then I will be a very loved person because I'm surrounded by the most lovely people I have ever been with in the longest of time. 

Hope you've taken away something from my post and I hope that every one of my readers continues being humble in their journey towards success and if you stumble and fail, then only remember that good things are ahead. It's hard to see it now, but you're being saved for something much greater, something beyond your imaginative capacity and the saying is true that :

"Good things come to those who wait"

Till my next post. xx

Friday, June 30, 2017

Confidence is key

As I sit here in my dark grey dress with my black court heels, my hair down and my crystal necklace; in the library, I feel extremely self-conscious. People stare at me for more than just a glance. Flattering? I'm afraid I'm not used to it, so I shy away, I look the other way and I glance back at my laptop, typing furiously. I was working on my dissertation but the urge to write about self-confidence leapt at me and I knew that I had to pen it down before it escaped my vestibule and end up in the pile of broken dreams where all my past imagination lay rotting.

This of course makes me address the basis of self-confidence. I suppose it is easy for some people to receive compliments and to just 'roll with it' as they say, but for someone who does not care about appearance as much and who does not take my self-portrayal as important, I think back to the times when I always preached about how important looking your best is. As a make-up artist myself, I know how important it is to put your best face forward (Get the pun? hahah.. No? Never mind). But one thing I do realise is, that I never really take my own advice although I know how bloody good it is for me.

You know, the problem with self confidence is sometimes, more to do with how comfortable you are with your own self, in your own skin, on your own, it's more about people's perception on you. But, at other times, it's also how comfortable you are, presenting your best self in front of others. Outward confidence is the balance between people's perception towards you and you presenting your best self. Inward confidence is what the usual quote about how you should be confident in your skin, not needing someone else to make you feel complete and etc. comes into play. Because, truth be told, I am comfortable meeting new people bare faced, not worrying about my outfit, but I'm extremely self-conscious when I make an attempt at looking and dressing well when I'm in a situation where I am meeting new people. But this makes me question, if anything, why do I feel this way?

Shouldn't wearing something not have any affect on how I feel? Why do I shy away from the shower of compliments? Why do I feel utterly embarrassed at the thought of flattery? Shouldn't I be happy that people take notice of me and are somewhat even interested in me? But, part of me is telling me, "How hypocritical of them, they only want to get to know me because I look good". But then again, when you choose to pick up a book, shouldn't there be something that stands out to you, like the title or the colour of the cover? If so, then why do I feel so shy and embarrassed in someways annoyed that people have preferences? Especially when it comes to physical appearance?

Nevertheless, it got me thinking on how best to describe putting your best self forward, how to accept compliments and how to always look your best and embrace the fact that you can be the best version of yourself and not feel embarrassed or torn by the fact that you do sometimes feel a certain way.

Fast forward a week later, I sit back at my desk to review my thoughts. See, I guess it's just me wanting to go up to people and shout at them and say that they're beautiful. To have that amazing confidence to just dance on the streets with my headphones on, to just be bold and attempt to make friends, or allow others around me to be brave enough to know me.

I guess the key is that I don't want to let go of people in my life and I want to hold on to as many people in my life because I feel like I don't want to lose them because I cherish them so much no matter what they were to me at any point in my life.

Now, moving forward, I'm definitely putting more effort into trying to dress better, speak to people I wouldn't typically speak to and keeping communication to a minimal with people that I know would just blank you to do their own work, which honestly, as annoying as it is, but they are doing what is better for them and that is what I should do too.

I suppose it's harder for people who think too much but either way, I'm better with my anxiety and depression and as of the 13th of June, my anxiety depression has plummeted from critical; almost life threatening to healthy levels which I am really happy about. It has taken me quite awhile to get to this point in my life but I'm content and am trying to keep it up really. Positivity towards a better anxiety and depression controlled life, you never truly recover from anxiety and depression, you merely have it under control but never get rid of it.

But I suppose the key to confidence is:
1. Fake it to make it.
2. Make an effort.
3. Accept compliments.
4. Present your best self.
5. Shower people with compliments.

These are the few things that you could do to present yourself as a confident person and at the same time allow others to feel confident as well. 

Till my next post. xx

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Try or die trying: An episode filled with distractions

Go to school, get good grades, get a job, get married, have children. Follow your dreams.

What are your dreams? I want to be an engineer.
                                      I want to be a scientist.
                                      I want to be a doctor.
                                      I want to be famous.

We grow up wanting to be the person we see, the person we hear about or the person whom our parents see as being important. We are told what is possible. At that very moment, we're being conditioned. Why?

Children have infinite imaginative capacity. However, as time goes on, we're told what is impossible, hence, narrowing down our imaginative capacity.

"Don't be ridiculous."
"Stop building castles in the sky."
"Don't daydream."
"You have to work hard to be successful."

When I look back at the things my parents used to tell me were impossible or when my parents used to say my ideas were not possible, I thank a part of my brain, which until today believes that NOTHING is truly impossible.

I used to be the kid that used a ruler to unscrew the sharpener, you know the ones we used to have with those mirrors at the back, just so I could get the blade out.

I would then proceed to slice the skin on my index finger because I forgot what pain felt like and what blood looked like. Masochist? No, hardly. I personally felt it was because of my inquisitiveness that made me want to know. The curiosity, the drive, the thirst for knowledge, to know, and to feel.

I look at the people around me today, and myself included. A common theme that appears to arise everywhere is that we're easily distracted. It's as if as soon as you have an idea or as soon as you decide that you'd like to get some work done, your brain, just automatically pings and then there is this tremendous drive to open up the Facebook app, or Instagram or Twitter or Snapchat, and these days, these four apps just come hand in hand, you have to have them, except Twitter, most people don't find it exciting anymore, but those who generally do, would have these four apps, otherwise, just substitute either of the apps with Pinterest or tumblr.

I'm not saying that distractions are bad. During certain times, like if you wanted to mindlessly browse through something, if you were on the bus or if you were waiting for a friend, then perhaps that could be an excusable matter. Although I am a strong believer of being present and being attuned to our surrounding but just like many others, I sometimes feel the need to be on my phone or to appear distracted so that I don't feel lonely when I'm on my own.

But these distractions and tools for procrastinating also has downsides to it. Why?

Imagine if in the world, you're only being fed information, but you're not doing anything to think about the information that you have gotten. You won't be able to process it, refine it or churn it into a different idea.

Think of a person who constantly says they would like to lose weight, but they just keep eating and eating and eating and not exercising. Similarly, if you have so much input but not output, then the throughput also equates to nothing.

People say work hard and you will get what you want but honestly, here it is. No, if you work hard, you live comfortably perhaps, but you're never at the top. Why? Because if you get paid by the hour for example, if you use up all your hours to work and get paid, what probably is not your true worth. Then, all the time you have spent working equates to no amount of increased income. So, the best thing to do is to work smart, just as you would study smart. Scout the sort of skills that are in high demand, invest in yourself. Learn a new set of skills. Get some part-time gig which pays you per project. Approach people. Network. Learn about new things, be a passive entity, receive sometimes and keep your mouth shut.

Other times, talk, give your input, let people go against you. Engage in friendly debates, try to understand someone else's view. Don't just stay set in your own ways. The best thing you can ever do is listen. The art of being a good conversationalist is not in bringing the best topic or the best points onto the table, but rather of being a better listener and bringing relevant input to the table and taking away with you valuable information which you can grow from.

Social media these days provides us with a platform to not want to go out there and do it. We sit in our little rooms, watching Netflix, debating online, but what are we actually contributing?

I feel the reason why people who create distractions for us such as the Facebook mogul, Mark Zuckerberg, or the Snapchat mogul, Evan Spiegel, are rich is because that's what people want. So, as much as I'm trying to say that we have to go out there and do something, I'm also saying, "Get off your f***ing phone and be present in the moment!".

Now, if you will excuse me, I will go speak to my mother.

Till my next post. xx